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[27 Jul 2006|05:35pm] |
This is for my friend Matt who has cancer. Please come help work or just bring your car. We're also selling hot dogs and soda.
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[18 Jul 2006|01:42am] |
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Okay, I'm going to seriously put myself out there. I feel like this is the only chance I have of doing so.
I hate my aunt (my mom's sister). She is a slut. She flirts with my cousins. Seriously, I'm not exaggerating. She's 37 and flirts with my 17-year-old cousins. She's got two boys from two different men, and just broke up with her last fiancee. She's a hypocritical bitch that loves to pick on my mom for my mom's age, cooking, and other meaningless things just to make herself look better. She hasn't gotten the memo yet that I hate her.
My grandfather (my mom's dad) was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. My grandma, my mom, and my aunt left him. He concieved a child with another woman while still married to my grandma. That woman eventually became my mom's stepmom. My grandpa then cheated on my mom's stepmom with an even younger woman in the Philippines. My grandpa died of a stroke when I was in 7th grade. He was buried in the Philippines. I will probably never get to see his grave. He is why I am deathly afraid of starting to drink alcohol.
My grandma (my mom's mom) starting smoking a pack a day when she was 14. The number increased until she was about 60. Then she was diagnosed with lung cancer and given six months to live. She moved in with us after that six months, and lived for three and a half more years. I was young and selfish then. When my grandma had lived with me, it was like having a tattle-tailing sister around all the time. She got unbelievably annoying. I hated her living with us. I wanted her to die. I really did. And I still hate myself for it. Well I never really said I wanted her to die. I wanted her gone; out of the house. And the only way that was going to happen was if the fucking lung cancer killed her. Eventually it did. One thing I remember; I didn't cry at the funeral. At the time, I thought I was a bad person for it. But then, when Uncle Bob died and I didn't cry at his funeral, I realized that was just the kind of person I was. I keep my feelings in, especially in public. I was a selfish person. Maybe I still am.
Her lung cancer is why I hate smoking so much. That's fine, whatever, it's your choice, but seeing my friends or family start to smoke marijuana or cigarettes scares the shit out of me. I refuse to live through another death due to lung cancer.
Two years ago, I watched my uncle die of a heart attack. I won't give you a full account of the night, but you can read it here, if you want. Let's just say, I can't stand jokes about having a heart attack, and I still get nervous when I'm at concerts or shows.
In middle school, I had one friend. Everyone else teased me for being fat, or just teased me. I guess I was an easy target. Somehow, everything changed in high school. For the better. I have a lot of friends now. But, the thing is, I still get really touchy when my friends tease me, because I'm paranoid of people hating me behind my back...because I'm scared I will end up like I was in middle school: alone.
I don't cry in public. The only time I ever did was when I watched my uncle die. The very few times I've cried in school, I went to the bathroom to do it, to be alone. I didn't cry at my grandpa's, grandma's, or uncle's funerals. I don't cry at funerals. I only cry at home when no one is home. I've only cried in front of two of my friends, that I remember. I hold my feelings in.
Religion scares me because I don't like the idea of not having full control over my life.
I try really hard to figure people out. I seem to be attracted to people that need to be fixed. And I tend to try to help them. People say I'm easy to open up to. Because of all of this, I'm going into psychology.
I don't know what else to put. Maybe I'll add more later.
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[27 May 2006|06:47pm] |
Senior friends...I'll miss you like crazy:
Hayley
Burgundy
Dane
Maggie
Matt
Lee
Cody B.
Stephen
Kevin
Cody S.
Tut
Ruck
Ashley
Jacob
Brad
Scott
Baker
Greg
Josh
and anyone else I might have missed.
Congratulations and good luck with all you do. I know you will all go far in life. I love you and don't forget about me.
This is for you guys:( Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss )
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[19 May 2006|10:41pm] |
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[02 May 2006|11:09am] |
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RIP R. A. B.
5-2-04
2 years.
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[25 Apr 2006|09:22pm] |
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So. I've finally figured out what changed for me over the period of time that I didn't update my livejournal. I had given up on guys. Now that I've gotten my hopes up, and then had them completely shattered once again, I feel exactly like I did before. Back in like October, when I used to update. My realization that I cannot compete with these other girls, they all have way more to give than me. I don't know why. When I'm in the mall and see a hot guy, I wonder if he notices me, then I think to myself, "Why would he? Look at all these beautiful girls around me with shorts skirts and their skinny stomachs hanging out. Why would he chose to look at me when there are all of these other pretty girls to pick from?" Now that I've gone and crushed again, I feel the same as I did when I had the livejournal before. Like my ultimate reason for living is to be the girl that never gets the guy. And not only is it that I can't compete with these girls, but the guys I actually think I have a chance with already have a girl. So there's no point in pursuing. My luck sucks. I never had a boyfriend, and I never will. I need to learn to get that through my head now.
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[14 Apr 2006|11:46pm] |
Word of advice:
Stop caring about the little things you can't control....
....and just live.
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[14 Apr 2006|12:34pm] |
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Spring Break.
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[10 Apr 2006|07:52pm] |
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If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.
When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised about what people remember about you.
thanks.
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[10 Apr 2006|06:31am] |
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I had a dream about pizza last night.
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| Now show me something you won't forget... |
[09 Apr 2006|12:50am] |
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mood |
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music |
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The Academy Is... (sweet) |
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It's upsetting how fucked up I was when I wrote in this about a year ago. It's good (very) that things aren't that bad for me anymore. Anyone who had previously read those entries, no worry. I'm much better now. I think maybe a lot of bad things just happened at one time, and I was too young to be able to contain it all. Sure, some of it is pretty recent, like the past 6 or 7 months, but sincerely, a lot of things have changed for me since then. I couldn't tell you specifics. But in my 3 month break from livejournal, things changed. Maybe I just grew up. I donno, I can't explain it.
But I think I'm back.
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| I don't know how to let you go... |
[25 Dec 2005|10:19pm] |
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Sarah Maclachlan |
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"write paragraphs or statements about the people who have been on your mind, without saying their name, or anything giving them away, including gender and relationship to you, simply addressing them as "you". do it if you will. it feels kinda good."
01 I pick up the phone to call you everyday. I have let all my hatred toward you go, and all I feel anymore is regret. I don't know how to make things right, because I know I've done nearly as much wrong as you. I miss you so much. I just want to talk to you.
02 I care about you too much. I should have given up on you a year ago when I was told to, but I still hope for more everyday. I give and give and give without getting anything back, but unfortunately, I'm happy with the slight attention I get from you. Even though I shouldn't be. I deserve more. We are close, though. I can't believe we used to hate each other.
03 You are my first ever TRUE friend. I've never been so close to anyone and i LOVE that. It's been...going on four years? Yeah. And you're the BEST.
04 I wish we hadn't waited until this year to become friends. I mean we've been "friends" for a long time, but real friends? I have definitely been missing out.
05 I miss you. You're never very far away but you are in my heart. We were so close. You cared about me...once upon a time. I hate how we grow apart, even though I love you to death.
06 If you hadn't moved in, would things have been different? Would I have loved you more? Would we have been closer during your finals years? Why did you do all that to my mom? It was never fair. For you. Me. Or her.
07 I can't believe how just sitting next to you last year made us best friends! I love you so damn much, you're one of the only REAL people I know, and that's the best thing I could ever ask for. I love you.
08 I wish we talked more. I wish I didn't feel like I was pushing you away. I wish we hung out. I wish we didn't go to different schools. I wished you loved me like I love you.
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| I've got more wit. |
[30 Nov 2005|09:33pm] |
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P!ATD |
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Dear *,
Wow, we haven't talked in a while. (Translation: I miss you terribly.)
How're things? (I want to know everything that's been going on.)
It sucks we don't hang out anymore. (I want to be around you all the time.)
Maybe we should do something sometime. (If I don't see you soon I'll be devastated.)
Well, I'll talk to you soon. (You probably won't ever reply.)
See you, (Love.)
Me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't even care if he figures it out anymore. I'm probably not worth the effort to him anyhow.
<3.ktb.
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| Sweetie, you had me. |
[30 Nov 2005|09:25pm] |
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mood |
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P!ATD |
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So if you were wondering about the last entry (doubt you were), my cousin Matthew (who I thoroughly despise with all my heart) called. I won't even go into detail, he's not worth the time or effort. He used to be all I had, until he fucked everything over.
New subject: I hate how my mom still says things about me getting a boyfriend. I accepted a long time ago that I will not, no CANNOT, ever get a boyfriend, be liked, or loved, or get married. And don't bother to tell me different.
eh, that's all the drama for now
<3.ktb.
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